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lunschenTitle: The emptiness inside me
Author: Lunschen
Beta: hughville, thank you so much Laura for your wonderful work!!! I know you had even more work with this one. Thank you again!
Rating: M
Pairings: Hameron (mentions of House/Cuddy, Cameron/Chase)
Author note: Chapter 12
Disclaimer: I own nothing! Honestly.
Sorry for the delay. Now let´s go on with the next chapter. Hope you all like it.
Chapter 12
Allison was lying on her bed at Mayfield, like she did all day. She felt like a broken shell. The pain invading her body because of the rehab was finally beginning to fade away but the pain in her heart wouldn´t fade that easily.
The emptiness was still deep inside her. The thought of making it through rehab gave her some hope although she wasn´t so naive as to think that she had finally won the battle against the drugs. God knew she was far from it. Although she learned to live without them, she sometimes still felt the need for them but she just refused to give in; for now anyway.
Her eating disorder was even harder to overcome. Allison still didn´t felt like eating although she had to. So she ate as much as she needed to survive; nothing more. Her fear of being ugly and not good enough was too overwhelming. The hurtful words from Chase refused to leave her and even followed her into her dreams. That is when sleep came which was not too often. Most of the time she was lying in bed at night thinking. Mostly Allison thought about her time with Chase and about House.
House. She couldn´t help but think of him although it seemed like he finally forgot about her. Cameron waited for a call. After one week passed she gave up, knowing deep inside that she wasn´t good enough for him, not even good enough for a phone call. Or maybe Wilson hadn´t told him because of Cuddy?
Sighing, Allison Cameron stood up. Thinking wouldn´t help now; she had to do the homework her therapist gave her. His words rang in her head.
„Allison, before you fight against your inner demons, you need something or somebody worth fighting for. You need a reason to live and your homework is to find that reason. What are you living for? Write it down and tell me the next time.“
A reason to live? Not really an easy task. After all she tried to kill herself; wasn´t that answer enough? But nonetheless Allison tried. She wanted to fight and she wanted to make it, somehow. So she took her pencil and a piece of paper and began.
My parents.
She doubted they were her reason. When was the last time she saw them anyway? They didn´t even seemed like family anymore; too busy thinking about themselves and visiting the world, a world without her. She was nothing more than a trophy and a disappointment at the same time.
„That´s our Ally! You know she´s a doctor, a very good one! She has to be wonderful because she was working for one of the best doctors ever, Dr. Gregory House! But sadly she has no time for a family. I mean, a lonely woman without her own family....“
It was like that the all the time. Thank God she didn’t tell them about Chase. They would probably hate her for running away.
My parents.
My brother.
He was too busy with his own life. At least he was the perfect child in their parents’ eyes: young, handsome, very good at what he did with a beautiful wife and perfect kids. Thinking about him made her even more depressed.
My brother.
My work.
This would have been her reason some time ago but not anymore. After all she had done everything to be the best for her hospital and she always loved her job. But now? She didn´t even have a job and after all Cuddy had said, it would be impossible to work again at her old hospital, no matter how good she was.
My work.
That left only one reason: House.
She knew it didn´t make sense. He didn´t love her, never did. To him she was nothing but a small, naive little girl, his personal slave who was stupid enough to do all his work, sorting his mail, making coffee; she even enjoyed it because it was for HIM. She knew he was with Cuddy and she really hoped he was happy although it broke her heart in a million pieces. Maybe seeing him as happy as he could be was her reason in life. Maybe her happiness depended on his.
House being her reason was stupid and unrealistic but it felt right. Her therapist told her she should listen to her heart and not her brain and she couldn´t stop thinking that it felt just too right.
House.
______________
James Wilson was still fighting a battle with himself. He couldn´t get Cameron out of his head. Her screams and pleas haunted him even at night. Everywhere he went, no matter what he did, she just wouldn´t leave him. He found himself going to House and trying to tell him the truth but then Cuddy came along again. She didn´t just force him to keep his mouth shut but tried to brainwash him. Cuddy wouldn´t stop telling him that bothering House about Cameron would only make him even more miserable. He deserved something better, a family like herself and Rachel. He deserved happiness and how could a depressed and damaged woman give him all that? He was damaged enough and needed somebody to heal him.
Still House didn´t look happy at all. He pushed Cuddy even farther away and didn’t bother talking or listening to her, now even less than before. It seemed like he was ignoring everybody and everything around him. Speaking to him was a task for only the bravest people. He was harsher and meaner to everybody and the walls closed around him more and more each day. Not even Wilson could come near him.
Most of the time he sat in his office thinking; he seemed lost and heartbroken. Could it be that Cameron´s absence was bothering him? Could it be that he was missing her? Could it be that he felt something for her even though he would never admit it? Was this really about Allison Cameron?
Of course Wilson tried to speak to him but House simply ignored him. No matter what he said or did, House remained silent. Just once when Wilson asked him about Cameron, House seemed to listen for a second but then he became distant again, his face even darker than before.
Wilson hurt seeing House suffer. Since Cuddy wouldn’t help, he made a decision and drove to House´s apartment one night. Knowing that House wouldn´t answer the door, he took his key and entered.
He went straight to House who was sitting at his piano but instead of playing he just sat there staring at nothing. He was obviously thinking again.
„House!“
No answer.
„House!“
Still nothing.
Wilson couldn´t take it anymore. „I have to tell you something I should have told you a long time ago and I’m just going to say it once so you better listen.“
Taking a deep breath, he began. „Cameron tried to commit suicide. She was found in the forest, almost dead and brought to PPTH. Her life was saved and she´s at Mayfield. I wanted to tell you this before but you have to understand that I just couldn´t. I am sorry, House.“
For the first time House finally showed a reaction. Listening to every word, he eyed Wilson closely.
„What do you mean, you couldn`t?“ Seeing that Wilson was getting nervous, he knew there was more, so much more. Growing impatient, he added, „Oh, just cut the crap, Wilson! You wanted to talk, so talk and tell me everything. I can tell when you´re lying! So tell me; why couldn´t you tell me or who forbade you to tell me?“
Seeing House growing angrier every minute, Wilson finally gave in.
„I am not allowed to tell you anything because Cuddy threatened to fire me. She thinks you´re too damaged and Cameron would make everything worse. I’m sorry, really sorry for not telling you!“
„How long have you been lying to me?“
„About a month now“, Wilson replied with quiet shame.
„And why did you change your mind?“
Closing his eyes so he didn’t have to look in House´s eyes, Wilson could see and hear Cameron again and he felt even worse than before.
„Because I just can´t get the sight out of my mind, that terrible sight. Cameron never wanted to go to Mayfield. She cried and begged Cuddy to let her stay. She seemed so lost and devastated but Cuddy didn´t give in. It was almost like Cuddy was enjoying her misery and she even told Cameron´s hospital the truth or some lies, I don´t know. In the end Cameron was fired because of it. Before she was taken away, Cameron begged to speak to you, she wanted to see you and begged me to tell you what was going on but I was too much of a coward. Again I am sorry, so sorry. You have to believe me, House!“
House´s eyes darkened with anger and his voice was dangerously calm when he spoke. „You expect me to believe you after all you did? How many times did you call me a jerk and now you’re sacrificing Cameron´s health to keep your job? That´s low, even for you. I expect this sort of thing from Cuddy. I know what a bitch she can be or did you really believe she got her job because she was that good in medicine? Maybe in bed, but definitely not in medicine. Get out, Wilson. I’ve heard enough and I can’t look at you right now. Just get out.”
Knowing that there was no sense in arguing, Wilson turned to leave but before he did so, he had to ask what was on his mind the whole time, „What are you going to do now?“
„I have no idea,” House answered honestly.
_________________________________
House tossed and turned in his bed and sleep just wouldn´t come. He thought that things would be better now that at least a part of the mystery was solved but he was wrong.
Cameron just wouldn´t leave his mind and what scared him the most was the question of why he just couldn´t forget her. He told himself that she was a mystery; a very beautiful one but there had to be more. Why did her image haunt him? Why couldn´t he get the image of a stoned and skinny Cameron out of his head? He shouldn´t care. After all she was an adult and could do whatever she wanted but he did care.
He even tried to find her once. He went to her hospital but all they told him was that she wasn´t working there anymore. Her apartment remained empty and her parents wouldn´t answer the phone, nor did she. House felt stupid afterwards and told himself that he wouldn´t run like a puppy after her. After all she was in love with him!
He kept himself telling it was better this way and that she was away because she found somebody else; a better man than he was, somebody who could save her; not a crippled, old jerk like he was. She deserved better, that was for sure!
But Wilson’s confession changed everything. His Cameron at Mayfield? That wasn´t right. She was too beautiful and too pure to be there. She was too perfect and too fragile. No, it wasn´t right! She didn´t belong there.
It was after midnight when sleep overtook him but when he woke up, House knew immediately what he had to do.
SCPA has to go on! After all he was Gregory House and Gregory House would never give in.
Author: Lunschen
Beta: hughville, thank you so much Laura for your wonderful work!!! I know you had even more work with this one. Thank you again!
Rating: M
Pairings: Hameron (mentions of House/Cuddy, Cameron/Chase)
Author note: Chapter 12
Disclaimer: I own nothing! Honestly.
Sorry for the delay. Now let´s go on with the next chapter. Hope you all like it.
Chapter 12
Allison was lying on her bed at Mayfield, like she did all day. She felt like a broken shell. The pain invading her body because of the rehab was finally beginning to fade away but the pain in her heart wouldn´t fade that easily.
The emptiness was still deep inside her. The thought of making it through rehab gave her some hope although she wasn´t so naive as to think that she had finally won the battle against the drugs. God knew she was far from it. Although she learned to live without them, she sometimes still felt the need for them but she just refused to give in; for now anyway.
Her eating disorder was even harder to overcome. Allison still didn´t felt like eating although she had to. So she ate as much as she needed to survive; nothing more. Her fear of being ugly and not good enough was too overwhelming. The hurtful words from Chase refused to leave her and even followed her into her dreams. That is when sleep came which was not too often. Most of the time she was lying in bed at night thinking. Mostly Allison thought about her time with Chase and about House.
House. She couldn´t help but think of him although it seemed like he finally forgot about her. Cameron waited for a call. After one week passed she gave up, knowing deep inside that she wasn´t good enough for him, not even good enough for a phone call. Or maybe Wilson hadn´t told him because of Cuddy?
Sighing, Allison Cameron stood up. Thinking wouldn´t help now; she had to do the homework her therapist gave her. His words rang in her head.
„Allison, before you fight against your inner demons, you need something or somebody worth fighting for. You need a reason to live and your homework is to find that reason. What are you living for? Write it down and tell me the next time.“
A reason to live? Not really an easy task. After all she tried to kill herself; wasn´t that answer enough? But nonetheless Allison tried. She wanted to fight and she wanted to make it, somehow. So she took her pencil and a piece of paper and began.
My parents.
She doubted they were her reason. When was the last time she saw them anyway? They didn´t even seemed like family anymore; too busy thinking about themselves and visiting the world, a world without her. She was nothing more than a trophy and a disappointment at the same time.
„That´s our Ally! You know she´s a doctor, a very good one! She has to be wonderful because she was working for one of the best doctors ever, Dr. Gregory House! But sadly she has no time for a family. I mean, a lonely woman without her own family....“
It was like that the all the time. Thank God she didn’t tell them about Chase. They would probably hate her for running away.
My brother.
He was too busy with his own life. At least he was the perfect child in their parents’ eyes: young, handsome, very good at what he did with a beautiful wife and perfect kids. Thinking about him made her even more depressed.
My work.
This would have been her reason some time ago but not anymore. After all she had done everything to be the best for her hospital and she always loved her job. But now? She didn´t even have a job and after all Cuddy had said, it would be impossible to work again at her old hospital, no matter how good she was.
That left only one reason: House.
She knew it didn´t make sense. He didn´t love her, never did. To him she was nothing but a small, naive little girl, his personal slave who was stupid enough to do all his work, sorting his mail, making coffee; she even enjoyed it because it was for HIM. She knew he was with Cuddy and she really hoped he was happy although it broke her heart in a million pieces. Maybe seeing him as happy as he could be was her reason in life. Maybe her happiness depended on his.
House being her reason was stupid and unrealistic but it felt right. Her therapist told her she should listen to her heart and not her brain and she couldn´t stop thinking that it felt just too right.
House.
______________
James Wilson was still fighting a battle with himself. He couldn´t get Cameron out of his head. Her screams and pleas haunted him even at night. Everywhere he went, no matter what he did, she just wouldn´t leave him. He found himself going to House and trying to tell him the truth but then Cuddy came along again. She didn´t just force him to keep his mouth shut but tried to brainwash him. Cuddy wouldn´t stop telling him that bothering House about Cameron would only make him even more miserable. He deserved something better, a family like herself and Rachel. He deserved happiness and how could a depressed and damaged woman give him all that? He was damaged enough and needed somebody to heal him.
Still House didn´t look happy at all. He pushed Cuddy even farther away and didn’t bother talking or listening to her, now even less than before. It seemed like he was ignoring everybody and everything around him. Speaking to him was a task for only the bravest people. He was harsher and meaner to everybody and the walls closed around him more and more each day. Not even Wilson could come near him.
Most of the time he sat in his office thinking; he seemed lost and heartbroken. Could it be that Cameron´s absence was bothering him? Could it be that he was missing her? Could it be that he felt something for her even though he would never admit it? Was this really about Allison Cameron?
Of course Wilson tried to speak to him but House simply ignored him. No matter what he said or did, House remained silent. Just once when Wilson asked him about Cameron, House seemed to listen for a second but then he became distant again, his face even darker than before.
Wilson hurt seeing House suffer. Since Cuddy wouldn’t help, he made a decision and drove to House´s apartment one night. Knowing that House wouldn´t answer the door, he took his key and entered.
He went straight to House who was sitting at his piano but instead of playing he just sat there staring at nothing. He was obviously thinking again.
„House!“
No answer.
„House!“
Still nothing.
Wilson couldn´t take it anymore. „I have to tell you something I should have told you a long time ago and I’m just going to say it once so you better listen.“
Taking a deep breath, he began. „Cameron tried to commit suicide. She was found in the forest, almost dead and brought to PPTH. Her life was saved and she´s at Mayfield. I wanted to tell you this before but you have to understand that I just couldn´t. I am sorry, House.“
For the first time House finally showed a reaction. Listening to every word, he eyed Wilson closely.
„What do you mean, you couldn`t?“ Seeing that Wilson was getting nervous, he knew there was more, so much more. Growing impatient, he added, „Oh, just cut the crap, Wilson! You wanted to talk, so talk and tell me everything. I can tell when you´re lying! So tell me; why couldn´t you tell me or who forbade you to tell me?“
Seeing House growing angrier every minute, Wilson finally gave in.
„I am not allowed to tell you anything because Cuddy threatened to fire me. She thinks you´re too damaged and Cameron would make everything worse. I’m sorry, really sorry for not telling you!“
„How long have you been lying to me?“
„About a month now“, Wilson replied with quiet shame.
„And why did you change your mind?“
Closing his eyes so he didn’t have to look in House´s eyes, Wilson could see and hear Cameron again and he felt even worse than before.
„Because I just can´t get the sight out of my mind, that terrible sight. Cameron never wanted to go to Mayfield. She cried and begged Cuddy to let her stay. She seemed so lost and devastated but Cuddy didn´t give in. It was almost like Cuddy was enjoying her misery and she even told Cameron´s hospital the truth or some lies, I don´t know. In the end Cameron was fired because of it. Before she was taken away, Cameron begged to speak to you, she wanted to see you and begged me to tell you what was going on but I was too much of a coward. Again I am sorry, so sorry. You have to believe me, House!“
House´s eyes darkened with anger and his voice was dangerously calm when he spoke. „You expect me to believe you after all you did? How many times did you call me a jerk and now you’re sacrificing Cameron´s health to keep your job? That´s low, even for you. I expect this sort of thing from Cuddy. I know what a bitch she can be or did you really believe she got her job because she was that good in medicine? Maybe in bed, but definitely not in medicine. Get out, Wilson. I’ve heard enough and I can’t look at you right now. Just get out.”
Knowing that there was no sense in arguing, Wilson turned to leave but before he did so, he had to ask what was on his mind the whole time, „What are you going to do now?“
„I have no idea,” House answered honestly.
_________________________________
House tossed and turned in his bed and sleep just wouldn´t come. He thought that things would be better now that at least a part of the mystery was solved but he was wrong.
Cameron just wouldn´t leave his mind and what scared him the most was the question of why he just couldn´t forget her. He told himself that she was a mystery; a very beautiful one but there had to be more. Why did her image haunt him? Why couldn´t he get the image of a stoned and skinny Cameron out of his head? He shouldn´t care. After all she was an adult and could do whatever she wanted but he did care.
He even tried to find her once. He went to her hospital but all they told him was that she wasn´t working there anymore. Her apartment remained empty and her parents wouldn´t answer the phone, nor did she. House felt stupid afterwards and told himself that he wouldn´t run like a puppy after her. After all she was in love with him!
He kept himself telling it was better this way and that she was away because she found somebody else; a better man than he was, somebody who could save her; not a crippled, old jerk like he was. She deserved better, that was for sure!
But Wilson’s confession changed everything. His Cameron at Mayfield? That wasn´t right. She was too beautiful and too pure to be there. She was too perfect and too fragile. No, it wasn´t right! She didn´t belong there.
It was after midnight when sleep overtook him but when he woke up, House knew immediately what he had to do.
SCPA has to go on! After all he was Gregory House and Gregory House would never give in.
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no subject
Date: 26 February 2011 12:27 (UTC)Thank you for the great chapter!
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Date: 26 February 2011 12:32 (UTC)no subject
Date: 26 February 2011 17:52 (UTC)Mum
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Date: 26 February 2011 21:18 (UTC)Only one chapter more and we´ll see House and Cameron together again.
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Date: 27 February 2011 00:22 (UTC)no subject
Date: 27 February 2011 11:40 (UTC)no subject
Date: 29 April 2011 05:09 (UTC)Now i'll read the next!!!!!
Kisses :)